Oh my goodness roll on the school holidays. Roll. On. Them. We have (nearly) made it through the longest, darkest and coldest term of them all and now the finishing line is in sight! Hold onto your woolly hats though – coughs and colds are rife, hangovers are springing up from nowhere (December = sudden social life), and the children need more layers, scarfs, hats and gloves (always one missing!) than ever before. Annoying and unfortunate but true – the time when we need the most energy coincides with the time when it is running at an all time low; The Last Two Weeks. Christmas parties, (at least 17 different kinds), carol concerts, nativities, Christmas fairs, plus more raffle tickets to be sold and elf shaped biscuits to be baked than is actually humanly possible. Really the end of term should be at the beginning when we are all totally on it and mad for anything.
WE HAVE FORGOTTEN THE URGENTLY REQUIRED AND VERY IMPORTANT DONATION OF MANY TOILET ROLL INNER TUBES FOR THE CRAFT BOX BUT HAVE REMEMBERED THE TOY PIANO’S LEG
If you are anything like me, by the end of term you are crawling, on your hands and knees, towards a break from the madness. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who is nearly dead, and madly desperate for two weeks of staying in pjs, CHRISTMAS <yelled in excited fashion> and absolutely NO school run. (Whoever invented to term ‘school run’ named it after my family. We have never walked it in our lives.)
If there was such a thing as a report card for the school run, (and I’m 87% certain that many teachers think there should be), I would imagine it to have three main categories, and for my own scores to start off very low:
Punctuality: 1/10 (one mark for managing not to be last, that one time back in September).
We are late. Every. Single. Day. The ‘morrrrrning!’ Smiles plastered on the faces of the classroom assistants (pity, sympathy?) are admittedly dished out generously, but in their eyes the message is clear; ‘must try harder’. I am sure you are in the same boat sometimes? Some of us are just not morning people. Sometimes there are just too many squirming bodies to jam food into, wrestle clothes onto and herd out of the door on time. Maybe our standards are too high? (I know two mums who make all the beds in the morning!) Or maybe it is purely because the catchment areas are so crazy small nowadays; mummies only mess around on their phones/sneaks peeks at breakfast tv etc because of the well known truth that living very close to school gives you an extremely false sense of security about time. Fact.
STANDARD STATE OF DRESS WHEN WE ARE DUE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE IN TEN
State of child/ren: 7/10.
A much better score for me here as I am vigilant about washing my brood thoroughly, once a day. My boys (and girl now she is on solids) are absolutely filthy at the end of a good day, and since we have what some might call a worryingly relaxed attitude to hand washing, it is vital that they are scrubbed to within an inch of their lives at the end of the day. (If only because it lets me off washing their bedding for another week.) Obviously no parent is ever really sure of the bath water/wee ratio, but I find adding lots of cherry smelling bubbly products to the water extremely effective. So my trio are usually delivered to school clean, if not always in (optional, thank God) school uniform. (I don’t know how well you would score on this but anyone can pick up points here, even if time is of the essence – simply choose the child perceived to have the most relaxed teacher, and let yourself off brushing his or her teeth.)
I DON’T KNOW HOW HE GOT INTO THE SINK EITHER
This is tricky. There is a lot of kit. Even at my kid’s über relaxed school there is a lot of different stuff needed on different days. Swimming on Mondays, after school football club on Tuesdays, indoor PE on Wednesdays, outdoor PE on Thursdays, and more dressing up days than is probably necessary but we all love it so this can be forgiven (even if I am always the mum running back home for a plastic sword and shield because goddammit dress up like a knight day is today not next week). A LOT to remember so it is understandable that things get forgotten when the baby does a last minute poo-nami seconds after she has been wrangled into her snowsuit.
IF SHE IS GETTING NAKED AGAIN THEN SO, AM, I.
Long sleeves, short sleeves, plimsolls, trainers, goggles and swords, reading books, homework and not forgetting show and tell – if any of us manage to get it all hung up by the front door the night before, and to get the kids inside the school gates with full tums and clean bums before the bell goes, then we are heroins. If anyone manages even half of that in The Last Two Weeks, they are superheros and need capes. So join me in tearing up the report cards, and drag yourselves to the end of term alongside me – all of us truly deserve the school holidays in all of their no agenda, no-schedule, leave-the-house-when-you’re-good-and-ready-and-not-before, glory.
I cannot WAIT 😉